For many years I was deeply wounded that my parents didn’t give me any emotional support when I decided to leave my first husband. At a time when I needed desperately to be affirmed for who I was--an adult woman who was best situated to make decisions for myself, dad appeared patronizing in his treatment of me, believing I had made a mistake in leaving my marriage because they were for reasons other than the ones approved by the Church.
“He’s not chasing other women, not beating you,” dad said implying that other reasons should be worked out.
I felt like a child being reprimanded for making a bad decision, when in fact, I had been married for 22 years, had held various responsible positions in Church employment, and had raised two children.
On another occasion dad bemoaned the fact that all his sisters’ children, who were not even Christians, had stable marriages while two of his children’s marriages had failed. It seemed to me he though it a poor reflection on his public image.
He did not approve of my relationship with my second husband to be. In an email to me he asserted that our relationship was guaranteed to be a failure because it was not founded on Jesus and Christian principles.
Perhaps feeling conflicted Mum showed two different sides. She was united with dad in disapproving of my decision; however, she once repeated to me in a conspiratorial way a remark made to her by one of my girlfriends who was happy for me, “Lorna is so lucky.” I felt that mum was trying to convey at some level that she sympathized with me. However, in 20 years she has not once tried to have a conversation with me about it.
My oldest brother was openly supportive of me, but he had already been through a divorce and had left the church. I didn’t feel any judgment from my other two brothers, they were supportive but mostly silent. My sister was straightforward in expressing her disapproval. As Christmas approached, she regretted that she could not send a card addressed to my partner and me as we were cohabiting. Ironically, that same Christmas we received a card from mum addressed to both Raphael and me.
Another time, my sister said as long as my partner and I were not married, she could not visit us as that would indicate she condoned our behavior while clearly she did not. She likened it to viewing an object she knew was stolen—that it would somehow implicate her.
Realizing that it was an error to expect my parents (and others) to behave in a way I wished or expected, allowed me to stop pining for the affirmation I wanted, to love and accept them on their own terms, and to heal from the hurt of rejection. I have a better understanding of why some could not accept my decisions, perhaps believing that supporting me might betray their convictions. In the same way that I wish to be true to myself, each one must also have that right.
I have concluded that religion was the reason that prevented some of my family from being loving and supportive of me. That some Christians (rightly or wrongly) confuse "accepting" with "condoning;” that the admonishment to “call sin by its right name” does not serve Christians well as it gives a reason to be judgmental and creates obstacles to accepting and loving someone else whose lifestyle does not match their own.
The SDA Church’s position on divorce is archaic and demonstrates neither understanding nor compassion--and which is my primary reason for leaving the Church. It denies individuals the right to seek relationships that are meaningful and loving.
The choices I made for myself had a ripple effect which touched other lives and I regret the hurt it caused. And while the events I write about are in the past, I look to the day when we will be able to love each other freely—without judgment, without feeling guilty that we might be condoning another’s choice or lifestyle, and without fear we might be implicated by association.
I share my experience: wishing it helps someone else in the family; believing that talking about things builds deeper understanding and closer bonds; and hoping that were someone else to go through a failed marriage, family will be the first to embrace and uphold that individual.
