Grieving

Leli recommended listening to this Apple podcast on Grief and Finding Meaning by David Kessler and Berne. It was what I needed.

“Judgment demands punishment.”

Have you ever not known what you need? I think this is the story of my life. This frantic doing, this filling up the moments, dabbling in a million pastimes, perhaps this is my subconscious flitting from petal to petal searching to be sated.

Flow

The Unseen Sequence - a film about the Bharatanatyam dancer and choreographer, Malavika Sarukkai.

Losing oneself or being in a state of creative flow.

Being completely present and fully immersed in a task

FRANKIE

Today is Frankie's birthday. It's funny how birthday’s of childhood friends stick in my memory. For better or for worse, Frankie has been a huge part of my childhood psyche that I don't think was entirely healthy.

I obsessed over him for many years - no decades. In my memory he was everything I was deprived of.

However, once Raphael came into my life, all--and I mean all other men were relegated to the shadows. I am a very fortunate woman and a happy one at that.

Frankie and I reconnected and we stay in touch by texting each other a few times a year wishing each other health and happiness on birthdays and holidays. It's true, I do wish him good health and lots of happiness.

My Name is Lucy Barton

I started and finished listening to My Name is Lucy Barton by Elizabeth Strout today while I sewed medical masks for Team 3. Not a very long book. Not more than 4-5 hours of listening time.

I was moved greatly but don't have the words to say in what way. I definitely identified with much of what she wrote: my less than perfect relationship with my mother, childhood pain and loneliness, the heartbreak of having the children leave after high school, the guilt and shame of failing at my marriage, but mostly the inability to be mean and unkind to others--giving them the benefit of the doubt. Ruthless, a quality that is vital to being a good writer, she can never be.

Movie Song Match

A before bedtime ritual has evolved with Raphael looking for something to watch on Netflix. I'm never enthusiastic about the search or hopeful that anything will result in something that I like. So, when he started watching The Half of It, I was taking my turn with Rani on Word Chums.

Truth be told, I got into the movie and it's honest sweetness held my attention. To hold the mood, I like to listen to the music as the credits roll and I'm glad I did because it ended with this song that I thought captured the essence of the movie so well. Break the Rules by Ruen Brothers. I'd never heard of them before so I turned to YouTube and listened to a bunch of their songs. Shades of Blue is another lovely one.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6xpMb1rzRUk

MASKS

I really got into sewing cloth face masks for donation to essential service groups in the city and state. It was like getting into a rhythm and not being able to get out. I haven't tallied recently, but I'm guessing I have sewn almost 500 masks.

I tampered with the idea of making them for profit, but when I sat down to open an account with Etsy, I saw it was flooded with masks. There's no way I want to compete with others on Etsy.

Shelter-In-Place Dreams

The other day PBS had a segment on dreams during Covid-19 pandemic with the guest dream analyst narrating people’s dreams that were more like nightmares.

I am unlike my mother when it comes to dreams. While she often remembers her dreams in the morning and loves telling about them, I rarely remember mine. Often I awake with a dream so vivid it encompasses me wholly but vanishes like the morning mist if my mind’s focus strays from it.

So, I’ve taken to recording the dreams I do remember. What value might there be in this activity? I have no clue. It’s just sort of a fun exercise for me. Anyway, coming to the point. Yesterday I woke up after dreaming about Mike Mendis. You find that odd? Yeah, me too. The night before Daphne, Dennis and their dad, Mr. Solomon Moses, were in my dreams. It ended with Dennis and me making out quite seriously. What’s new about that? Nothing, except it’s been about fifty years since we did that, but believe me, it felt as good and arousing as it did way back then. Sweet Dennis. Stay safe.

Covid-19 Poem - Hoarding

HOARDING

In times of plenty

he buys without compunction

as if we were Mormons

overflowing pantry shelves

that would make one

suspect he was

born in dearth

rather than with a

silver spoon 

Amidst Covid fears

I stretch the life of 

the simplest commodity

apportioning 

rationing

as if our lives

were dependent on

two squares of toilet paper

rather than three

Now when it’s more

prudent to save than to abandon

to hoard than discard

when less is more

and more is better

as with bottle openers 

and lovers

when two are better

than one